Guilt {Motherhood Challenges Series}

Before becoming a mother, I knew of the great responsibility that comes with the role. However I did not know that some of my biggest faults and challenges will come out of hiding and, having another human being in my care, be magnified by like a hundred. 

I've always struggled with guilt. 

Constantly feeling guilty for simple things that I choose to do for myself, my family and what others think of me. I mean, it's difficult being a people-pleasing perfectionist with guilt-ridden mind.

Since motherhood is a constant choice of parenting methods, feeding schedules and sleeping styles it's hard not to look at other moms and think 'how do they have it all together?'

People tell me that I only have one, that it's nothing compared to multiple kids. And maybe they are right. Maybe I'm just a big wimp and maybe I don't know anything but let me tell you something: it's hard.

It's hard enough with only one baby.

Having a community of other mamas, going through exactly the same thing you are going through sure is helpful but at the same time, we only things on very surface. I have fallen prey to letting others think that I'm the best mother out there; that I have it all together.

Most of the time I don't.

And since I'm doing it wrong one time or another, guilt is something that gets me down every time.

I feel guilty for not nursing until 99 months old. Although I'm still doing it and supplementing with formula, there are mamas out there who don't let their kids have a drop of formula. 

I feel guilty for taking time for myself during the day and letting him just play and whine a little on his own.

I feel guilty for letting him cry it out when he just doesn't want to do anything else, given that he's fed and changed. I taught him how to fall asleep on his own, but even that was heartbreaking at first. Letting him cry for five to ten minutes is hard enough but when I hear someone else say that you should pick your baby up every time he cries, just about puts me in tears.

I feel guilty for not taking enough family photos and missing his first laugh  Not taking a video of his first cry or whatever else important may have happened and I didn't have camera on hand.

I feel guilty for wanting to leave him (at mere four months old) with my sister, so hubby and I could go away for a few days. Although it didn't happen, people look at me with shock for not wanting to take the baby along with us. I feel guilty for being so selfish.

I feel guilty for forgetting to pick up my baby from the nursery the very first Sunday we went to church. I mean, who forgets they have a newborn? Apparently I do.

I feel guilty for wanting to go to work and not just be stay-home wife and mama. I hear people say that I should just enjoy him right now, which I absolutely do. Though, at times, I need to feel like I'm a grown adult with other interests besides what color his poop is or what new food should I try feeding him.. 

I feel guilty for not having enough patience with him when he just wouldn't eat those peaches; or when he doesn't want to go to sleep according to my schedule; or when his whining is driving me nuts. 

I feel guilty for getting too busy and not taking time to pray. To pray for my family, my little boy, for wisdom and guidance because I sure need it.

I feel guilty for not playing with him when I have chores to do, or simply not getting home for his bed time. 

I feel guilty for not spending enough time with hubby and constantly focusing on Jonathan. Even our conversations come down to what I do during the day and how long Jonathan naps.

All these things are every day challenges that mothers (read: I) face and I'm sure I'm not the only one. 

Or am I? Please tell me I'm not, so I can stop thinking that I'm crazy.

 With all the perfectly edited and filtered Instagram baby pictures (they don't have any food on their little bow ties and their hair is perfectly combed), I think it's time to get real. 

Life isn't perfect and we all have to deal with issues, we are all in the same boat. It's good to know that you are not the only one dealing with challenges and storm of emotions running through your postpartum body. That other mamas too give their babies formula, let them cry it out, play by themselves, don't have enough time for anything, forget their baby in the nursery, can't wait for 8 o'clock and want to escape the house sometimes. 

God has been teaching me patience. He has also been humbling me big time, showing me that I'm just like everyone else, that I don't have it all together, that I need Him every day. More then ever. 

At the end of the day, I pray God will guide me through and help me do my best. Although, when I don't succeed at times, there's always tomorrow and He will be there too.