That One Time I Was REALLY Afraid

Blogtember Day 4: A story about a time you were very afraid.

While I was thinking about this topic, I could think of only one time in my life when I was scared. For real. 

When I was pregnant with Jonathan, I had all these different ideas in my head on how his birth is going to be. Every Braxton-Hicks contraction gave me butterflies and I thought that 'this is it'. But they never progressed and at my last check up I wasn't dilated at all.

Doctor told me I could wait another day or two which, given my current situation, probably wouldn't help. Or I could get induced. I really, really, really did NOT want to get induced. After careful discussion and consideration hubby and I decided to go for induction. You can read Jonathan's full birth story here. 

On the day we were scheduled to be at the hospital, I really didn't sleep much. We got up, had brunch and made sure that my hospital bag was packed to its maximum capacity. I had laptop and movies, snacks and magazines (oh how naive I was) and pretty much everything else did not need. After packing everything into the car, tiding up the house and doing my make up and hair (I had to take some last minute pictures ok?), we were ready to go. 

I still had doubts about our decision but tried to be optimistic and talk myself into it. In my mind I was listing every reason why this was a good idea and why we didn't want to wait any longer, but I was afraid.

I was scared to death of the pain that was coming. It's like seeing a train coming your way and knowing it's going to hit you but not being able to do anything about it. It's going to hurt. A lot. That's the way it is.

I was afraid of the unknown. I haven't been through this before and not knowing what's coming was the worst part of this whole ordeal (being the control freak that I am). 

I was nervous that I'm going to chicken out and get an epidural (which I did). I knew that my pain tolerance was very low and the side affects of epi are great. Nevertheless, the stories I've heard about the pain, made me consider it even more.

I was afraid of all the complications and every horror birth story kept coming to my mind (that's what you get for reading a million blogs). 

I was afraid of something happening to the baby and him having some kind of physical or mental defect. I was so scared that I will blame and will never forgive myself for the rest of my life. 

I was afraid that although my husband was there with me, he couldn't help me much. I felt so alone and scared, that all I kept doing the entire ride was holding on to his hand and praying.

That fifteen minute ride to the hospital felt like an eternity and my heart rate was going up with every mile passed by. I was nervous, anxious and jittery which probably wasn't helping the situation. 

The only thing that helped me get through was to get my mind off those things. Even praying wasn't helping because I kept listing and asking the Lord to make sure that none of those afro mentioned things happen, which send me into a mental freak out every time.

It was the scariest time of my life. 

But it was worth it.

I know we made the best decision we could make at the time and I had a perfectly healthy baby in my arm, which I thank God for everyday.