I'm Not Ready

Before having Jonathan, I could not imagine loving a baby so much. I didn't think I was ready for the responsibility of motherhood but more than that, I wasn't ready for all the love. Now, with every passing day I'm still not ready for the enormous experience of unconditional love that motherhood is. I'm truly not ready for the time to fly so fast.

I'm not ready for him to grow up  and abandon the cute infant stage. I'm not ready to give up the random hugs and kisses when we are goofing around. I'm not ready for the most sincere and funny laugh I have ever heard every time I  tickle or play with him. I'm not ready to be a mom of a toddler. I'm not ready for the love that overfills my heart to the point that it almost hurts. I'm not ready to feel the ache when I think about anything that may hurt him. I'm definitely not ready for the enormous responsibility of raising a human being, a gentleman, future husband and father. I don't know if I'm up for the job. I'm not ready for the tantrums and gentle discipline. I'm not ready hold my tamper when all I want to do is yell. I'm not ready for his hands to wrap around my neck when he had a scary dream and I calm him saying everything is ok. Mommy is here. 

I'm not ready for his serious face when I tell him not to touch something and he's trying to tell me otherwise. I'm not ready for the bruises and scuffed knees. I'm not ready for the boyish fun and rombanxious spirit that wants to come out every time he's on the loose. I'm not ready for his impressionable soul to take everything in. I'm not ready for all the funny giggles and sweet smiles right after nap time. I'm not ready to see him grow and change with every minute of the day. I'm not ready to teach him right from wrong, because some things I'm still unsure of myself. I'm not ready to show him all the hurt and darkness of the world.

I am not ready for my heart to be so full, and life to be so different. I feel like most days I want the time to stop and speed up at the same time. I want him to grow up yet to stay little forever, because I'm not ready for the depth of emotions and huge responsibility of parenthood. Yet it's here. I'm here. No matter how much I prepare myself, I don't know what the future holds. But I know Who holds tomorrow and that I can trust God to hold me in His hand. So, although I feel no ready for this life ahead of me and the role of motherhood, I know that God knows my heart. He will be with me through it all, guiding through the unexpected and unknown.

I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

So, bring it on, life. 

I'm ready.