I set down to write this post three times, and have deleted every single draft. It's hard to put thoughts into words when you have ideas coming together in haphazard manner. So here it goes.
I think about what it means to be a parent. A lot. And how it changes me as a human being.
Few weeks ago, hubby and I had a night off (sorta) from being parents. We dropped Jonathan off at my mom's for the night and headed out. Although we were physically away from our child, we were still very presently parenting. After exchanging pleasantries we talked about that little guy that occupies most of our lives.
We talked about his cute little quirks and the annoying-us-to-death things he does. We talked about life and how much joy that energetic boy has brought into our lives. At the end of the evening, the house felt awkwardly silent without the bubbling toddler running around. It felt a little weird not going into his room to make sure he isn't too hot, or not checking his diaper. His room was empty and it felt as if I never been to that place of just us two. Like we always had him in our lives.
I thought, I would feel free. I thought, I was craving to relinquish the responsibility of parenthood for just one night. I thought, I missed the freedom.
But the only thing that missed that night was our boy.
Ones you become a parent, you never ever stop being one. No matter what happens in life, no matter the choices that child makes, no matter how geographically disconnected you are, no matter what he/she does, no matter what, you don't ever stop loving.
It was awesome to have a night out on the town with just the two of us, reminiscing about the good ole days. It felt so special to hold hands and not worry about third mouth to feed or the diaper duty. We needed that breath of romance and sweet time alone, and loved every minute of it.
But the next day it was all right with the world again - there were three of us. Hearing that cute babble first thing in the morning, goofing around in bed, chasing around the house, reading books and gathering around the table together.
As much as I loved the dating and the newlywed stage, and miss being able not to think about nap schedule, I love this new stage in my life. I'm learning to embrace it and savoir every moment of adorable cuteness and naughty mischievousness. I'm learning to have more patience, to let go of the things that bother me and to live in the moment. I'm learning to hit pause for a minute to just sit down and play with Jonathan and remember the moments that brought me so much happiness.
When you hold that precious little baby in your hands, you give up the power and right to act, speak, or think as you want without consideration for another human being that depends on you for everything. That's what it means to be a parent.