Guilt {Motherhood Challenges Series}

Before becoming a mother, I knew of the great responsibility that comes with the role. However I did not know that some of my biggest faults and challenges will come out of hiding and, having another human being in my care, be magnified by like a hundred. 

I've always struggled with guilt. 

Constantly feeling guilty for simple things that I choose to do for myself, my family and what others think of me. I mean, it's difficult being a people-pleasing perfectionist with guilt-ridden mind.

Since motherhood is a constant choice of parenting methods, feeding schedules and sleeping styles it's hard not to look at other moms and think 'how do they have it all together?'

People tell me that I only have one, that it's nothing compared to multiple kids. And maybe they are right. Maybe I'm just a big wimp and maybe I don't know anything but let me tell you something: it's hard.

It's hard enough with only one baby.

Having a community of other mamas, going through exactly the same thing you are going through sure is helpful but at the same time, we only things on very surface. I have fallen prey to letting others think that I'm the best mother out there; that I have it all together.

Most of the time I don't.

And since I'm doing it wrong one time or another, guilt is something that gets me down every time.

I feel guilty for not nursing until 99 months old. Although I'm still doing it and supplementing with formula, there are mamas out there who don't let their kids have a drop of formula. 

I feel guilty for taking time for myself during the day and letting him just play and whine a little on his own.

I feel guilty for letting him cry it out when he just doesn't want to do anything else, given that he's fed and changed. I taught him how to fall asleep on his own, but even that was heartbreaking at first. Letting him cry for five to ten minutes is hard enough but when I hear someone else say that you should pick your baby up every time he cries, just about puts me in tears.

I feel guilty for not taking enough family photos and missing his first laugh  Not taking a video of his first cry or whatever else important may have happened and I didn't have camera on hand.

I feel guilty for wanting to leave him (at mere four months old) with my sister, so hubby and I could go away for a few days. Although it didn't happen, people look at me with shock for not wanting to take the baby along with us. I feel guilty for being so selfish.

I feel guilty for forgetting to pick up my baby from the nursery the very first Sunday we went to church. I mean, who forgets they have a newborn? Apparently I do.

I feel guilty for wanting to go to work and not just be stay-home wife and mama. I hear people say that I should just enjoy him right now, which I absolutely do. Though, at times, I need to feel like I'm a grown adult with other interests besides what color his poop is or what new food should I try feeding him.. 

I feel guilty for not having enough patience with him when he just wouldn't eat those peaches; or when he doesn't want to go to sleep according to my schedule; or when his whining is driving me nuts. 

I feel guilty for getting too busy and not taking time to pray. To pray for my family, my little boy, for wisdom and guidance because I sure need it.

I feel guilty for not playing with him when I have chores to do, or simply not getting home for his bed time. 

I feel guilty for not spending enough time with hubby and constantly focusing on Jonathan. Even our conversations come down to what I do during the day and how long Jonathan naps.

All these things are every day challenges that mothers (read: I) face and I'm sure I'm not the only one. 

Or am I? Please tell me I'm not, so I can stop thinking that I'm crazy.

 With all the perfectly edited and filtered Instagram baby pictures (they don't have any food on their little bow ties and their hair is perfectly combed), I think it's time to get real. 

Life isn't perfect and we all have to deal with issues, we are all in the same boat. It's good to know that you are not the only one dealing with challenges and storm of emotions running through your postpartum body. That other mamas too give their babies formula, let them cry it out, play by themselves, don't have enough time for anything, forget their baby in the nursery, can't wait for 8 o'clock and want to escape the house sometimes. 

God has been teaching me patience. He has also been humbling me big time, showing me that I'm just like everyone else, that I don't have it all together, that I need Him every day. More then ever. 

At the end of the day, I pray God will guide me through and help me do my best. Although, when I don't succeed at times, there's always tomorrow and He will be there too. 

In The Fields

dress: TJmaxx
shoes: Aldo
belt: thrifted

We finally managed to have some family photos done. We did couple shots when Jonathan was 3 months old but now that the summer is almost over, I wanted to capture some memories. With a country feel and a relaxed atmosphere, summer nights are perfectly warm and the sunsets are glorious for a nice shot.

 It's really difficult to get a good picture with an infant. When hubby and I are smiling and look into the camera, Jonathan is having a time of his life and playing around. 

Out of a hundred shots, only about five are good to be framed. My sister took the pictures and I still have to go through them and edit them - the price of free family portrait. 

I can't wait to make some canvas prints and hang them in my living room because those bare walls still need some major decor adjustment.

How are you doing with recent family photos? Two years behind or snapping pictures of every poop your kid makes? I'm somewhere in between.
Time flies so fast and with babies you really have to be sure to capture special moments before they are all grown up. It really is a bitter sweet time - loving the new and exiting memories we make but sad to see these moments go.

P.S. Pictures coming soon. Still have to do a lot of editing. 

With a Twist

blouse: Forever 21
skirt, belt: Target
shoes: Ann Taylor
bag: Nine West

I've been really bored with my hair lately. I had the ombre, then I decided to chop it and make it one color. Being home all day with an infant who's pulling on your hair every chance he gets, it's hard to wear anything but a high pony. 

So every time I'm going out to the store, church or anywhere else for that matter, I'm looking for a fun way to style my hair. I've attempted this hair style and it wasn't half bad. I really want to try this but I have very thick hair which ends up looking awful. 

Watching a bunch of YouTube videos I have forgotten about this easy up-do. When I looked at this girl inspiring hair and outfits, it clicked - French twist. Takes about 5 minutes to do and great for warm weather or simply picking up the hair. Add a strand of pearls and you look polished in a matter of minutes.

Loving the classy and 'grown-up' look of this outfit. 

How is your hair doing lately? Many bad hair days or glamorous up-dos? 

Thanks for stopping by.

Crab Cakes {Recipe}

I love crab cakes. Who doesn't? Every time I'm at a restaurant, I'm looking for these delicious bites. If done correctly, you can experience pure, unadulterated crab cake heaven. They are that good.

So I've never made these things before because I figured all fancy restaurant food must take a lot of work and expense to prepare, plus high in calories. Well, not so much.

I mean, first I substituted the imitation crab and then baked these in the oven instead of deep frying them. My recipe comes from combining couple different sources - this video and recipe. Make yourself a double batch and enjoy them with purple cabbage slaw. Delicious!

I made a double batch so if you only need one serving, half the recipe.

Cakes:

-  1 egg

- 1/4 cup mayonnaise

- 3 green onions

- 1 tsp Worcestershire sauce 

- 1 tbsp Dijon mustard 

- 1/2 tsp thyme 

- 1 tbsp chopped parsley 

- 1/4 tsp garlic powder 

- 1 tsp lemon juice

- dash of cayenne pepper

- pepper

- 16 oz lump imitation crab meat (if you can splurge, buy the real stuff)

- 1/4 cup of panko crumbs

 Combine mayo and egg and whip until it's evenly incorporated into smooth consistency. Add the rest of the ingredients through crab meat and whisk together. Next separate the crab meat into small lumps and add to the mayo mixture, add panko and gently toss to combine. Don't over mix. Put the mixture into the fridge and cool for 30 minutes. 
Take it out and shape the crab cakes into 2 inch patties. Place them on a lightly greased baking sheet and bake under the broiler or in 500F oven for 10 minutes. No need to flip.
Serve warm with purple cabbage slaw. 

Slaw:

- 1/2 cabbage head 

- 1 carrot, julienned 

- 1/2 tsp salt

- 1 tsp sugar

- 1/2 lime zest

- 1 tsp mayo

- 1 tsp sour cream

- large pinch of chopped cilantro

Finally chop cabbage, add salt and sugar. Working with one hand and holding the bowl with another, squeeze the cabbage until it becomes soft. Let it rest for couple minutes.

Add rest of the ingredients and toss to combine. 

Thrifty Chic

top & skirt: Thrifted
shoes: H&M

Thrift store shopping is probably my favorite kind, because you never know what you will find. Sure there is lots of junk out there and you have to look really close but in the end, it's worth it. Other times it's not.

When thrift store shopping, I have bought items I thought I needed and things there were too big/small in hopes of altering them myself. That never happened. 

One thing I do when I'm looking through the isles of unneeded clothing is stand out patterns, one-of-a-kind pieces and timeless classics. And of course the fit.

When I spotted this skirt, I loved the striped pattern but wasn't sure if I wasn't going to fit into it. The white top was a no-brainer. 

If you aren't sure about thrift store shopping give it a go on an off night, or with a friend who knows her way around. Then dig in and pay close attention to all the details, tags and patterns. Take your time and you will be surprised what you can find!

Happy Hump Day! 

Linking up with What I Wore Wednesday and Random Wednesday